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What is real Love?

The feelings you get when hormones such as Phenylethylamine, dopamine, oxytocin & vasopressin are pumped into your blood are what we call love. Love is nothing more than a feeling we get when certain chemicals are pumped into our system. But the important question you should ask yourself is: what triggers the release of such hormones?

The short answer is: The subconscious mind. Love is an emotion triggered by your subconscious mind in order to bring you closer to a certain person because it thinks that they are important for your well being.

Here is an example that will help you understand how love happens. Suppose that you were experiencing a down time and that someone kept helping you everyday in getting over your problems.

In such a case your subconscious mind will find out that staying with that person improves your mood and so it will make you love them to insure that you are going to stay close to them.

Real love is an emotion triggered by the subconscious mind to help you stay closer to people who can improve your mood or satisfy your important needs.

Now in real life things doesn’t happen in that simple way. When a person satisfies so many of your emotional and psychological needs in the same time then you will start getting attached to them. The needs that each person has are present in what we call the love map. Once a person manages to satisfy many of the needs in your love map then you will fall in love with them. 

Now here is the reason why most people think that love is a mysterious force that can’t be explained:

  • 1) They are unaware of their love maps: Most people are unaware of the items in their love maps and as a result they can’t really explain why they find some people attractive
  • 2) The process happens unconsciously: When a person has no knowledge of love psychology then the whole process will happen on the unconscious level and so they will never figure out why they fell in love.
  • 3) Brainwashing by the media: We humans get brainwashed all the time by the media. Most romantic movies and songs idolize love and make it seem like it’s a mysterious force without actually giving any correct scientific explanation for it.

Is this real love?

You might be wondering why would you love that person instead of considering them a great friend.

The answer is simple: if that person matched your unconscious criteria, which is a list that a person must meet in order for you to love them then you will fall in love with them. The unconscious criteria is another name for the love map. If that person didn’t meet these criteria then they will be considered a good friend.

Finding a person who matches some of your subconscious criteria doesn’t mean that you can’t still find someone who matches even more items. This is why each one of us can fall in love with many potential partners and this is why there is nothing called the soul mate or the one.

Real love and compensation

People also fall in love to compensate for their unmet needs. If a girl lacks self confidence then there is a great chance that she will become attracted to confident people provided that all other factors are constant.

This also answers the question about whether people get attracted to those who are similar to them or those who are different than them. People get attracted to those who are similar to them in the traits they like about themselves and those who are different than them in the traits that they dislike about themselves.

Some people say that real love is unconditional love where you love a person because of the way they are rather than loving them to compensate for an unmet need.

In real world pure unconditional love doesn’t exist , except in the movies, because relationships are based on psychological factors that people don’t quite understand. We fall in love with others to compensate for our weaknesses, to get our needs satisfied, to heal past emotional wounds and many other different reasons.

Even the love for the mother is not considered an example of unconditional love. We love our mothers because they care for us, provide for us, nurture us and make us feel good.

We get attached to dogs because they love us, feel good when they see us and make us feel loved. 

However the more you shift away from compensation towards unconditional love the more will your relationship become a healthy one and the more likely you will encounter real love.

It’s impossible to have a relation that doesn’t contain those two factors (unmet needs &compensation) but the more you move away from the them the closer you will get to real love.

The problem with the movies

The problem with the movies, the media and love songs is that they made it seem like real love has nothing to do with psychology, the subconscious mind or unmet needs.

People who think they love someone for no reason are just the ones who are not aware of their personal and emotional needs. Once you become aware of your unmet needs you will realize that there is always a reason behind love.

Even when a mother loves her child there would still be some kind of direct emotional benefit to the mother in addition to the unconditional love towards her children. The need to be a good mother, the desire to have great kids and the need to let the kids succeed in what she failed to do earlier in life are examples of unmet needs that fuel the mother-child love relationship.

Many psychologists actually argue that unconditional love doesn’t exist and i can’t really blame them. There is a very fine line between getting attracted to someone because of an unmet need and believing that you are doing it unconditionally.

In all cases what you need to know is that there is always a conditional part in love and once you understand this part you will be able to get over any breakup easily and you will also be able to attract people to you.

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